​4 years ago I wrote the following while on a personal, inner quest…
Day 183 #innerquest
Going into The Cave of Healing can look like many different things,
and come in surprising forms…
Like watching a father eagle feed his young one as the mother looks on
Baby loons riding on their mama's back
King Fisher bringing a mouth full of food back to the nest
A small squirrel scolding a black lab
A small mama bird sitting upon her newly hatched chicks
The rushing water of a tremendous waterfall
The soft step of forest moss
Thunder and Lightning and Summer Showers
Jumping naked into the early morning lake
And watching your little family bond
It's sinking into the ease of grief with no apology
and swimming to the other side
Here I can see healing isn't complicated
What’s complicated is me, my fleshy thoughts, my unnecessary expectations
In The Cave I find my humanity and re-member to feel fully is what I am here to do. To receive, to give. to receive. To live, to die, to live again.
I'm not done yet, just wanted to say that I am still here, firmly on this earth. My roots going deep, and my branches reaching high; staff in hand, lantern held high.
…and so I remain
 
I wrote this as I was moving toward the transition of turning 50 and stepping into Elder, Crone, Hag. Now, almost 4 years later, and many miles covered, it is still the small things in which I find the magic and beauty of life. Even in the face of the monsters, the storms, the dark unknown, I see the sparkles, the love, the beauty of this unexpected human life. As an elder, my desire is to open to the possibilities, embrace the unknow and trust in the light flicker. As an elder, my intention is to stand still and listen, to move mindfully, and re-member that there are always more options than can be initially seen. I continue to learn to get out of my own way; to let go of what is not mine, what no longer serves me and to BE the peace that is within me. I continue to learn that I am more than my stories, that I am less complicated than I think. I moved through The Bone Cave, to The Refiners Fire, to The Waters and then to sit at The Ancestral Fire. Wind, Fire, Water and Earth continue to teach me, and I am their willing student, as the journey of transformation continues. Now I walk in the Forest of Healing, Discovery and Possibility as parts of myself grow back, healthier and more in line with mySelf and am meant to be today and in support of the women that I am becoming.
So, in that space of willingness, healing and longing, I’m taking my leave from social media…at least for a while.
I long for the stillness of The Earth. I long to be in present relations with myself and those around me. I long to continue, on the path of healing, in the deep forest of old wisdom and listen to their ancient stories.  There is much to unfurl, much to tend to, much to unlearn and relearn again. My heart needs tending to, my spirit needs rest, my body asks for restoration and my mind calls to be renewed. So, I answer in the best way I know how, stepping out onto the trails, staff in hand, lantern raised…and here I remain.

“When winter comes to a woman’s soul, she withdraws into her inner self, her deepest spaces.
She refuses all connection, refutes all arguments that she should engage in the world.
She may say she is resting, but she is more than resting: She is creating a new universe within herself, examining and breaking old patterns, destroying what should not be revived, feeding in secret what needs to thrive.
Winter women are those who bring into the next cycle what should be saved.
They are the deep conservators of knowledge and power.
Not for nothing did ancient peoples honour the grandmother.
In her calm deliberateness, she winters over our truth, she freezes out false-heartedness.
Look into her eyes, this winter woman.
In their gray spaciousness you can see the future.
Look out of your own winter eyes… You too can see the future.”
~ Patricia Monaghan

This is where I am.
'Feeding in secret what needs to thrive.'
Sitting around the fires of The Ancestors, listening intently to them speak
as I stir the cauldron of collateral beauty and kindness.
Here,
I am quiet and still.
As one must be if one wants to listen.
I want to listen.
I want to hear what has been already experienced.
I want to re-member that my challenge and our crisis is not the first
to have come to pass.
So, I listen.
And what I hear is words and stories that bring me to COMMUNITY
COMMUNITY as a place of being in listening, learning and healing.
COMMUNITY in which diversity is needed, wanted and welcomed.
COMMUNITY where reliability is law.
COMMUNITY where we are not required to agree but invited to honour.
COMMUNITY as the back bone of humanity.
So I listen.
And as I listen, I tend.
And as I tend, I expand.
And as I expand, I root in, 
and I stand firmly in place.
The winds blow, the rains fall, the storms rage.
And I remain rooted in,
sitting around the fires of The Ancestors, listening intently to them speak 
as I stir the cauldron,
as I examine and break down old patterns,
as I destroy what should not be revived.
as I feed in secret what needs to thrive.
Here I remain.
Winter Woman.

February

the medicine:

*Elk – protect the herd, honour eldership/elderhood, teach the young, watch over the compromised, lead with integrity
*The North/The time of Winter – finding wisdom in challenge, embracing the earth in our bones, sitting at the fires of the ancestors to listen, learn and heal
*Imbolc – The slow, yet promising return of The Light. A time of emergence, birth, intention, celebration.
*The Dark Moon – The time to set prayers, ignite intentions, dream
*Brigid The Saint/The Goddess – New Beginnings, awaking’s, birth
*Chinese New Year – The Year of The Tiger – prosperity, courage, strength

Springs Beginnings
Winters Thaw
And perhaps
in this place
Love will be invite and will be allowed to Rise
Love shown in troubled times is the most precious of all
It is easy to love when there isn't
tragedy
hurt
strife
challenge
Bone Love happens when it is hard
Love built with the sturdy, rock solid commitment Flourishes
Love when it hurts creates Fortitude
Love forged in a time of Challenge lives Forever
It takes great courage to stand
in this kind of Love
May we all have such courage
May new life begin
May seeds be planted
May patience rise
May roots be strong
May flames burn bright
May compassion be our guide
May renewal and rebirth come forth
May grace be given
May we always know the ones who stand with and for us
May we know when to let things lie
May we know when to unearth the bones
May we have courage to live this human life
May vulnerability become our trusted companion
May it be so
May it be so
May it be so
aho
aha
amen
may it be so

image: Teaching the Young * Elk Medicine
2015 collected by me

Here I sit, way past my bedtime on the dark night after Samhain and Hallows Eve.​
Last night was filled with happy children and relieved parents as the sky was clear and the only thing that filled the night was the banging and lights of the abundant fireworks that rang late into the dark.
Today it was All Saints Day, The Celtic or Witches New year and tomorrow is The Day of The Dead. It’s a dark season, but not in a scary kind of way. More in a release, allowing and death-to-what-is-complete kind of way.
Today was the perfect day to complete this new website, as I follow the Celtic/Witches New Year in my work. It wasn’t a conscious thing, it just sort of happened and made sense. It seems a good time to begin again after the days of honouring death. I so admire the Southern countries for how they honour their dead on these days. Tonight, a sister-friend of mine shared numerous images from several years ago when her and her family were in Mexico for The Day of The Dead. A sea of photos, tokens and colourful flowers held in painted tin cans, filled every image. These places are not afraid to honour their dead and it resonates with me.
Back to this new website. It’s complete. I must be honest and say it did not turn out exactly how I had envisioned, but it will do. I have no time to rebuild it as I started school last week and my world is quite upside down right now. I am in the throws of finding a new rhythm and I don’t mind saying I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  And sometimes, most times I have found my expectations to be not what is needed. it is a humbling practice.
What am I going to school for? I am going back to obtain an Addictions Counsellor Certification. This will help with the recovery work that I do and enhance my session work. I am already learning so much about the system. I feel like a spy, getting a view from the inside out. Even in the overwhelm of change I know I am exactly where I need to be.
So back to the new website! One of the biggest things I am excited about is that there is a sign up, on the bottom of the first page, for my newsletter. I am excited to streamline my audience and perhaps get new followers as well. I would be pleased if you would consider staying with me; but if our time has come to an end I thank you for entertaining my email all these years. I truly appreciate it.
Nothing stays the same, and that is good. Things must die so other life can take root. Going back to school is part of that change for me. I am do not all that is ahead of me, and nor should I. In the meantime, I will still hold the circle that I am committed to.
​As long as the women gather, I will hold the space. That has always been my promise. 
 
I feel inspired to write more but my bed is calling, and my eyes are tired.
Thank you for reading my words, thank you for being here with me.
I look forward to seeing you soon, one way or another.
Blessed Be dear lovelies.
I pray all good things for you on this dark night.
Love Light and Shadow
Catherine