May 04th, 2023

"They do not go willingly
They don't want to be transformed
They cling to my ribcage for dear life
Not understanding that the life they cling to is already dead
Not understanding that they are being invited into a living Life
I have to be still
So they can be moved
My skin feels delicate and thin
And so I walk
Becoming a messenger to myself
And it is here
Mother Mary comes to me...."
-February 2, 2012
::
an expert from "Love Light and Shadow" by Catherine Beerda-Basso
::
It is interesting to find myself back in this place. Different and yet familiar. Menopause has called me to be so very very still, despite the fires that burn inside. I have begun to think that is is actually BECAUSE of the fires that burn inside. At the time of writing that I was just coming back to life. I was still strongly tethered to my depression and through it's lens had convinced myself that my family would be better off without me. I was ready to leave this life and making plans to do so. What transpired that day was beyond my own manifestation, my own understanding and yet, I understood clearly.
I did not leave. I chose to stay. And, yes, I was given a choice AND there would be a price because I was asking for that which was not a natural occurrence in my time line. The price was one I was not willing to pay AND I was forever changed, in such a beautiful, unexpected way.
I turned away from that day fully stepping into my life, embracing the all of it and even grateful to be alive. What a foreign concept that was at the time. Grateful to be alive, and yet I was and still am. I do not walk without challenge, struggle or grief...thus the circling back to this writing. I do, however have a deeper and changed understanding of this life we live and that goes with me every single day.
This season of menopause has offered me opportunities to come alongside the traumas, the abuses, the sad stories of my past, and bring spiritual and human truth to those places. I find myself often re-living feelings of the past, AND being asked to bring the truth of today alongside them. So, unlike before, I am not taken under, I am not lost, I am not without sanctuary. I AM affected, I am feeling this transmutation, transformation, cleaning of my bones fully and full on. There are no words to describe this season of life, it is something that must be lived, to be understood.
And so I am living it. Thin skinned and tender hearted, in a time when the world is burning, I stand raw and weary AND alive and blessed beyond measure.
Here I remain.

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