Belonging

I was taught to think that I needed to be somebody
These days I'm happy to be nobody
Before embarking on my trip to Ireland in May I first began with a journey to obtain my biological Irish name which came from my biological father’s side. It was his mother who came here from Ireland, and it was a part of me that felt familiar.
I had his name, which was given to me 15 years ago when I located my biological mother. Through his name found out he stilled lived in the place that I was conceived. I found out he had three daughters and eventually, 8 granddaughters. And more recently, I found out his wife of over 50 years had passed away. I probably know too much, and this is the time we live in, where a name can unlock many mysteries. So utilizing his name, I went down numerous roads to contact him, all the while being very clear that the name was all I was in need/want of. To go to Ireland with my ancestral name…well, truth is it still brings me to tears.
But it was not to be. Dead ends and lack of response caused me to lay that plan down a week before my departure. It was a boundary I had set for myself, along with the plan, that if nothing came of this search, I would put it down forever.
I had a deep sense of sadness and disappointment and yet, as I finalized plans and looked things up on the internet around our trip, I could feel the pull from the land, the welcoming. There came a thought that I did not need that name to belong, to find my place, to feel the connection. And that thought became truth. The land that always called to me, welcomed me,
one with no name.
The being there for those 3 weeks, walking the pilgrimage for those 8 days, sharing the experience with those precious to me filled me, changed me, allowed me to know myself just that much more, and to discover more about this human life and the world I, we, are a part of.
I saw that longing for what I didn't have is what brings pain.
It’s not, the not having.
We are made to adjust, to move, to transform, to ebb & flow.
We are meant to change, allowed to change.
I am changed. I am changing. This experience supported that.
I was once conditioned to believe that I had to be somebody to matter and I have learned that space here is not earned, it is given freely and asked to be honoured through love, grace and compassion.

"Those of us who live here must be comfortable with storms and with change, for it is on these unsettled edges that we will hear The Call which launches us on our journey. And though we can never quite be sure what that journey will involve, we know that new possibilities may be created only if we surrender to uncertainty. " - Sharon Blackie from If Women Rose Rooted

...and so I remain.